Truths Men Lie

.قلت لها انا احبك للابد، قالت احبني الكثير من الرجال"

.قلت لها انت تاج لرأسي، قالت ملك بلا ملك و لا مال

.قلت لها انت ملهمتي و فني، قالت ما من جمال يفوق جمالي

"...فتركتها بين الغرور و الوهم لحالها و دعوت ربي ان يبقى حالي كما حالي

فتارين_فرقة مدينة مع هاني عادل

It’s not about being proud.

It’s not about being assured that you’re in love with me.

It’s neither about ego!

It’s only about being happy with my life that way;

Man-less, with no expectations and no care,

With no shame, no guilt, no blame,

No love, no sorrow, no loveless nights of pain

Because you see, I’ve been through it all!

I’ve been in love, I’ve been loved 

And I’ve been so hurt;

Cut so deep that my wounds wouldn’t heal 

But now I’m over it!

It’s not about ego, nor about pride.

It’s all about self- preservation and elegance!

It is all about vengeance

Because you see, I’ve been broken so many times!

I’ve been broken each by a man

One just like you!

A man accusing me of being a hard, cold stone!

A loveless creature, with no emotions!

A man just like you!

A man who pushes to the end and makes me feel so cruel!

A man who makes me sympathetic that I even fall for him!

I even fall for him that it shows that I’m too vulnerable, too weak!

It shows so much that he thrives, then snaps, 

Then he breaks whatever is left of me!

You’re no different to him!

You’re just a man, 

Another man who seems too innocent, too clear!

A man who will push me to the end,

Make me feel something again!

Then you’ll thrive, then you’ll snap, then you’ll break me!

Then you’ll run again!

Just like any other man for whom I’ve fell in love…

You’ll feel that you’ve won over me,

As if we were in a game

And the survival is for whoever stands taller,

Whoever stands longer!

You’ll feel like you’ve won

Your battle against me!

I’m no battle to be won

I’m no trophy to be owned

I’m a number of complexities piling up,

A number of contradicting emotion,

Wrestling each other not to fall apart!

A pile of ashes crumbling to the wind!

A sophisticated structure that bewilders you immensely!

It is not about ego.
It is not about pride.
It’s about being enshrined
From the truths that men lie!

"This is what makes us girls

We don't stick together and we put our love first

Something that we'd die for, it's our curse

Don't cry about it, It's all gonna happen"

This What Makes Us Girls_Lana Del Rey

Eyeliner

I just can’t stop looking in the mirror. I can’t stop passing by it, can’t stop looking at it; at this reflection standing so steady and so proud. I always look in my eyes. I look at those eyes, reflected on that glass, glued to silver paper, and I wonder. It is just strange how they are so broken, even though they are piercing that reflection with determination. They are so hurt, even though they are pushing against those droplets of wreckage tears with fierceness. I admire their diversity and I respect every emotion they break through. They are just a pair of eyes, a door to the outside world, perhaps, only an organ but much more than that.

I see myself breaking into numerous fractures; uneven and small that they can’t be put together again. I walk by these rough edges of mine and I ignore them. My sister refuses to believe me when I tell her that I’m so strong and fine and big and cruel and festive and glorious. She can see what I’m suppressing and she rejects my way in dealing with it! She rejects the festivity in the havoc going inside of my brain. She rejects everything! I know that she is right but I’m not going to be broken. I’m not going to let anyone tell me how disappointed I am! I am glorious!

I started to draw my eyeliner. You know a girl is going to change her life when she gets a new hair cut but that is just not me. I draw my eyes instead of cutting my hair. I never appreciated my hair the way I appreciated my eyes. I love the eyes better than anything else in the face. They are, well, let us just say a mirror, and I’ve grown to be very fond of mirrors, I fancy them. I stared at the mirror for a while, I chose the eyeliner I was going to use, I have many eye pencils, all of which are black but each has its use. I chose the thin pencil, the one so black that makes me feel like I’m using a pencil of coal. I used the very fine pencil to draw very dramatic eyes. I drew them so big that my pupils looked so small, sinking in my hammocks. I loved the way they looked. I looked different, I dreamed different, I was different. I saw a girl that was trying so hard not be a girl, but a fierce woman. I saw a girl that was so sick of being “innocent and pure” and wanted to be a bitch and wanted others to acknowledge her powers in being that bitch that she wished she was. I was stunned by the way I drew my eyes so perfect and so big and so black.

“You know she is planning big when she dramatizes her eyeliner and draws them so thick that they can kill.” That is all I had in my mind then. I wanted to kill him, I wanted to make him suffer the way he made me feel belittled and worthless. I wanted to see him one last time so that he can see how brilliant I am, or how brilliant I wanted him to think I was! I was alive and I was breathing when he left me dead. That is when I really wished if I was dead enough to be so alive with anger to make him feel how it feels to be a liar. Sick, isn’t it, the measures you can go hurting yourself to make others regret their deeds?! It was pathetic, but I was so determined to be that badass. I was so determined to be that change I drew around my weakened eyes, my lazy pupils and my dragged lids. I wanted to be that woman I can see in that reflection on that useless glass. I tried to smile that evil smile of Snow White’s step mother, when she came up with the evil plan of killing her step daughter for good. I smiled because I realized I was the step mother but I was only killing the daughter I had left! I was killing a part of me that had no hand in being a reason of my pain but by being a piece of my existence. Killing the daughter is only part of a grand plan to kill the mother; the mother only couldn’t see it through.

I reveled in my rebellion, that rebellion which made me feel more broken than ever. I felt retaliation and power. This feeling only dissipated, when I saw those eyes breaking, and this black cracking because of its heaviness. My eyes were so heavy. I can’t be sure if they were heavy with fear, or tears, or pain, or hopes of healing, etc. I just saw them tearing on their own, growing so diminished and weak in the glory they sunk in. They were as fractured as those pieces of me scattered with their rough edges that would cut so deep. They were so dramatized that they mirrored the screams silenced by my begging for being vengeful. I had a wrestling pit inside of me, in which both, my pain and my vengeance, were hitting against each other so hard that I felt so numb from the so many things that were going on all at once. I couldn’t judge and I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t turn away from the mirror that showed me how vulnerable I was. I just hated the fragility I saw in the violence I carried in my winged eyes.

I had my sister criticizing my perfect pair of adornment; my big, fat, black punches around my window mirror, which I carried on my face. She just looked at me, felt disgusted, and said “you can say you’re fine as much as you want but we both know it is just as much of a lie as these pair of patched up eyes that you call dramatized and shit. You are as broken as this eyeliner falling off your lids out of thickness, crumbling as your heart is failing to give a good punch to that blood of yours in your veins that your right leg has been growing blue and brown for a week now. If you think this “festivity” of yours is going to fool me, you’re wrong as fuck. Don’t try to lie to me because I can see you the way you can see your wreckage trying to get together but so wretched to be whole again. Fail as you want and break as you want but get your shit together and stand up back on your feet because you deserve it, you need it, you need yourself, and you aren’t going anywhere by those set of devilish black going around your face.”

She said these words and left me staring at my lashes, falling, my eyes, tearing, and my lids, failing to stay strong and steady as I tried to recollect what was left of me. I took a long breath, I took a picture of my devastation, and I had a long sigh. My patches were coming together as my mask was falling off. It felt strange how you are capable of hurting yourself and deviate from your path only to hurt someone else. Most often, you act upon the impulse of thinking that you are right but when you’re broken and you’re scarred, you only think of inflicting your pain on its cause, even if you’re reaching extreme measures, even when you decide to kill by a black colored pencil, drawing around your eyes and going through bold lines, that if they reflect anything, they only reflect how broken you are, even if you intend to be glorious. Wear your eyes the way they reflect you, don’t wear them the way you think you should reflect yourself. Be festive in your wreckage by being true to yourself and your pain. Embrace your pain by being a whole with it. Unify your sharp edges in a work of art that is so abstract, yet so understandable by those who have felt your pain and can identify with your hectic state of mind. Be your dramatized eyes but not their weakness. Be a set of beautiful eyes that are too simple and too festive, yet too determined and clear. Be a set of eyes that attract love and care, not a set that attract a psychological breakdown to your form of rebelling.

Sleep The Day Away

Sleep and let it all go away

Sleep in the sorrows, in the guilt, and the dismay

Let it all be washed out

Let the pain be vanquished

By the tranquillity of your night

As you sleep your day away

But before you go to sleep

Remember to wipe the slate

As there will always be a new day

Waiting for a place in your memory;

A new love, a new life

A new February that will bring you affection!

Be happy for the small portions of peace you have

Because bigger portions are coming ahead

If you were only strong enough to wipe the slate clean

Sleep the day away

Let it all walk down the hill

Then leave it down and ascend

To your rightful place; the summit

Drown you pains and your tears

In the dreams of a better tomorrow

Because a better tomorrow is coming

Only if you have the guts to let it

Take over you

رسالة كلمة واحدة

"كلمة "بحبَك
تقوليها يدب في قلبي نبض الحياة
بكلمة بسيطة و ضحكة خفيفة بتحيي كياني
 و عمري الكان ده كله حكاية و عمري اللي جي
"ده بداية حياتي في حُمرة خفيفة لما تقوليلي "بحبَك
و عينيكِ تنكسف و تفضح هي باقي الكلام
مش عايز اعرف باقي الكلام
مش عايز اسمعه
اصله تلخص في بسمة عينيكِ
و وشك الاحمر لما ابوصله
مفيش كلام تاني يتقال
كفاية عليا قلبي بيفرح لما بشوفك
كفاية عليا عيني بتفرح لمل بشوفك
"كفاية عليا ان عمري ابتدا لما شوفتك كاتبة "بحبك
على تليفونك و صورتي جنبها
 كفاية اقولك ان رسالة منك بتحييني و قلبي اكتفى
بيكي و عمره ما هيحب بعدك لان قلبك علم قلبي طعم الوفا
بحبِك يا مجنونة حياتي 
و بحب عمري اللي ابتدا معاكي
بحبِك

About a Cat

I held her hand as she closed her eyes to rest

I felt her paws, her pink, tender, sweet paws

And her claws, that were so soft and so clean

She stopped trembling and twisting

She was moaning, hurtfully

I moaned with her, as I laid beside her

On the street

I held her hand as she was going to sleep

And in this twisting and irritation, I was squashed

By that painful prickle in my heart

“I should do something, she shouldn’t die”

I held her as she closed her eyes in fear

I held her between my arms and patted on her peeled off skin

On that flesh of hers, exposed to all the sins

Of these inhumanities driving by the scene
By that blood of hers, spilling
By that heart of hers, skipping a beat, frightened

I held her close to my beating heart, fearfully

I tried to comfort her ills

As she closed her eyes to sleep

As her trembling grew weaker

As I teared soundlessly

To her painful, sicking death

I held her close as she closed her eyes to rest

Or at least, that is what I wish I did!

All Kinds of Love

And it took me long enough to realize that not all kinds of love can be sensed at its first glimpse. There are just kinds of love that you have to work your ass off to attain, and actually when you do, you realize that it’s been all worth the shit you toke for it! You have to bleed for it, breathe it and consume it as you let it consume you. Dissolve in it and let it devour you up, in a good way. All of the loves you've been through, the freaking, crazy butterflies that you've prayed to have and you wished you’d never lose are just a myth. There are butterflies, but not that idealized! There are butterflies and Goosebumps and pain; a whole shit of pain that breaks you enjoyably! There is a kind of surrender, a surrender of a winner, a surrender to the waves that take over you. There is a kind of surrender that you delve in; a moment of anxiety and madness that can only be described by happiness within its toughness and torture. Celebrate the break-ends and the loose ties that your complex personality and your complicated relationships has lead you to. Celebrate every break and break through! Celebrate the failures and “the loves” you lost because they are what made you who you are. Acknowledge the goodness of every bad decision you ever made, every wrong thing you knew you were doing and did anyways, every road you took that led you to the wrong path and made you lose your goal, as you thought was the case. Just breathe and believe that everything was meant to happen the way it did. Connect the dots to draw the path of the greater plan, the greater good that you were being prepared for all the past time, without noticing. Appreciate the love you have in your life now and count every moment and feel blessed to have it in your life. Be happy and be in love; with your lover, and most importantly, with yourself. Accept what is and just breathe!

Free

Breathe in

Inhale the feeling

Consume it

Abide by the rules 

That your heart set

Go insane with your emotions

Ravel in their roller coaster

And breathe

Love every thought you get

Love every breath you take

Love every inch of you

And let yourself live

Let yourself love and live

Let yourself be

Where you're going to be 

Is where I'm going to be

 And we both know it

Just love and let it live

On and on and on

Breathe in the smoke

Walk through the desolation

And smile as we hold hands

And live

Inhale the feeling

Consume it

And ravel in it

As your heart beat so hard with happiness

And your eyes smile

Your invigorating spirit

Dazelling

Shall brighten for you the way

So love and let live

As you breathe in 

The morning breeze