Chocking can be experienced in one of two cases;
either you’re chocking on your own death, or you’re chocking on emotions and
feelings that you can’t express. Not being able to express emotions is ruthless
on its own account, and when persists for an ample duration of time, it turns into a
killing symptom that can be identified medically as chocking. Here it’s
metaphorical of course, but it’s psychologically fatal nevertheless. That’s
what happened to her after not being able to identify her illness on the
appearance of the first symptoms of emotional malfunction.
It was like cancer cells spreading, it was
eating her from the inside out, and she was unable to assist with reversing its
destructive actions. She couldn’t run, neither could she hide. After all, how
could someone run from himself but to himself? The thing is, herself was vacant
and irresponsive to her calls to snatch her from her trips. This mediator
inside of any of us was malfunctioning as a result of the feelings left unsaid
and undetermined within her; they were chocking her on words not expressed but
carved in the back of her head with a fire blade that was hammered on a volcano
fire. The invincible version of her has gone, leaving her only to the one that
she can’t tolerate; her vulnerable soul.
As complicated as implied, this is only a mere
reflection of her tangled mind. Her inability to act against the combat taking
place within her was only a result of suppressing it for too long. Being always
the one staying strong can be as devouring as acknowledging one’s weaknesses
and helplessness. It isn’t one of her traits to come clean about something that
bothered her, she has always been a Woman of Steel.
Now, everything can only be seen through the
gaps that she left for herself by her prints; a life so blurry with no
definitions. Her pain set everything on fire, melting the snow that was
covering her heart. The sun which rose on the following day was cold enough to
condense the vapor of her rage, leaving everything in the darkness of her
despair. Her aching soul can be seen through the watery glare, hovering on the
gloomy city, the city of her numbed mind. She’s waiting for the right time to strike back with full force,
taking her revenge upon the days that caused her vanity.
She exploded, she flipped the switch and broke
through her bars. Her words, although not conveyed, were expressed through her
actions breathing fire. Her anger turned into a kind of invincible strength, a
kind that she didn’t know existed in her. It seems that the sun that
crystalized her rage is the same sun that washed her agony away by intensifying
her aches and burns, turning them into a kind of fueling power for her to
pursue her life course. Her act of mutiny against herself and the world only
resulted in a battle that ended with a tie and a new power conquering the two
foes under one rule, her rule. The maneuvering ended when she discovered that
she’d ran out of places to resort to so she can only now resort to herself
knowing that it was herself from whom she was hiding. By accepting herself and
her temporary phase of timelessness, she gained back her sense of time and her
faith in herself.
Accepting one’s helplessness and weaknesses is
only one way to discover the strengths that one has. Complying with the urge of
breaking from one’s self can sometimes be healthy. After all, there is always a
new dawn after every killing darkness and there is always a shining sun to dry
the rain and melt the snow. Vulnerability as another face of strength, you
should experience helplessness to challenge your potentials and know your extremes.
My Friend to whom I’m dedicating this, you’re one of the strongest females I’ve
met, you’re persistent and self-assured and self-confident. You’ll get over
this phase of depression, as long as you’re breathing. You’ll be fighting because
you give me strength and I am not willing to be deprived that by you.
Dedicated to Deena Heggi <3 I Love You :*
