Khawater

I can’t imagine myself with a man. There is no one who is good enough. I have loved so many men, but I’ve never been in love but once and it’s broken me.  At the moment, I’m not broken, but I am recovering. I don’t know what I’m recovering from. Maybe my hallucination?! Maybe my hectic imagination? I think that’s the problem, my imagination!

Having so many expectations, very high ones, only lead to wreckage! I don’t know If I’m wrecked or if I’m only cracked and I can heal, or if I’m totally damaged beyond repair. I don’t know!

My sister today told me “how come he loved you, what made him interested in you?” she was joking, she didn’t mean anything. Her joke cut so deep into me that I’m crying from the inside for two hours now. I don’t mean to be rude, neither do I mean being so harsh with others. I’m only scared! Under every hard shell, there is a very tender flesh that is being protected. Inside of every shell, a pearl that is entrapped by its fright! Turtles and shrimps are proof of that! I’m not comparing myself to them, but I’m only trying to make the image closer to what I am, how I am!

I don’t want to be the harsh and dull girl. I'm also unable to be the girly girl. It’s just not me! I’m not that kind of a girl. I’m the one who builds a fortress around herself and fire fucking hell fire on whoever and whatever tries to breach the walls. That’s what I am, how I am!