Dear February

Last year I wrote a letter to you, in which I expressed my need in sustaining my love relationship. It was the only time in which I really felt secured. It was the one love I really thought to be mine; the one love I really thought would last for eternity. I was happy, maybe even a little bit more than happy. On the 25^th of March, however, I discovered that it was all an illusion that my mind deceived me into believing. It was fake; the promises were fake, the love was fake, and the attitude was fake. Maybe it was my fault at a point and maybe I miss-chose the person with whom I am going to spend my life with, or was to be exact. Now with him gone, I do not know if it is a good or a bad thing for me. I cannot feel the flickers anymore. I do not get any butterflies anymore. I am unable to breathe the way I used to. This smile that was once drawn festively on my face, when I used to see his name on the phone, is all gone. This feeling that I used to get is not there with any other person.

I had a new love after my breakup with him. It was no way near love. I was null. I was way crushed to feel anything. I couldn’t believe a word I said. It is all about me now; a repetitive, dismal “I” that is very bewilderingly bewildering. I saw him everywhere I went. I dreamed of him sabotaging every kind of happiness I might ever have with this new person. I was chocking in this new relationship until it was over. For the first time in my life I was happy that a relation was over. I was ecstatic. It was like I hoped for it to end but I was too scared to end it because maybe it would have been the best thing that would ever happen to me after this diverged train of my emotions hit a concrete wall. I was suffocating and everything seemed impossible.

I am sorry; I know that I kept on talking and speaking about my mess. I know that I got so self-indulged like I did last year. Last year it was a similar case but now I am way done. This time was a wrecker. I do not want to feel any more wrecked or jeopardized. I do not want to feel naked like that. I want to feel safe again with a person, my person.

I am writing this year to save the habit of writing a letter to you every year. I do not want to feel alone and since you are “The Month of Love” I’m writing to you as a pen friend. You became my pen friend three years ago, when all of my turmoils started, and my heart started bouncing on a rod.

This year, my dearest February, I have a request. I am requesting an easy, comfortable mind, a loved lovable heart, and relaxation. I need those more than anything else. I need a new love that would mend all of my wounds and would help me stretch my broken wings and teach me not to be afraid of flying anymore. I need you to support me and to love me and not to leave me alone.

I know I made this message too long this time but this is only a portion of my heart that I poured here on paper. I wish if I was able to elaborate more on how I really feel but I am so tired to even think about what I am feeling. It consumed me too much that I am not aware of the person that I have become. Please feel free to write back to me and share whatever your heart tells you. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Rana