I’m drinking a cup of coffee
Little sip by a little sip
I’m drowning in its bitterness
My cold love
My veins tickle
As my nerve cells shiver
When the caffeine kick in
I don’t like it
My hands shake
My shoulders shrug
My head turn forcibly
And my legs stretch
I’m sipping my coffee still
My bitterly tasteless coffee
I’ve never been its fan
But here I am, drinking it
Just like my heart, bleeding
Over a love story that hasn’t lived long
I think I hate him
But my feelings for him are strong
It hurts me, it pains me
Yet I’m holding on
Just like I’m pouring in this cup of coldness
Dying on its after-taste of mud
Glad to see you're still writing Rana.
ReplyDeleteToo many repetitions of coffee, don't you think? You can replace it once with 'bitter/tasteless drink'. It's repeated thrice in the first stanza alone.
Also, I don't think bitter and tasteless can come together here. I mean they have opposing meanings, and I don't see an oxymoron here.
Please, please don't use 'although' in a poem. I was thinking 'but' or 'yet' but on a second read, I think removing 'although' and not replacing it with anything would be better. It's understandable.
"My tastelessly bitter coffee
I’ve never been a fan of coffee"
"My [biting] bitter coffee,
of which I've never been a fan"
Consider my notes and let me know how it goes.
Keep on writing nonetheless
Thanks ya Nada. I really missed me :D . I made many edits basing on your recommendations. Tell me what you think of it now.
DeleteHi Rana, great piece. It reminded me to make my own cup of coffee :D
ReplyDeleteThe feelings in this poem are strong, sincere, direct much like a dose of bitter coffee.
I get the feeling that as the poem progresses you start to get a better grasp of the tempo & imagery and start to unleash your creativity.
Wonderful piece tho! I def enjoyed it :D
Thank you very much. I am glad :)
Delete