Walk on the shore of a
clear, glossy sea
Hear the splashes of the
waves
As they make love to the
wet, euphoric sand
See the
white, triumphant foam
Kissing the
yellow grains
Showering
it with gifts,
A world of
wondrous creatures
Lie down on
the wet sand
While listening
to your favorite music
Getting soaked
in the joyful tears
Of the
shore getting bestowed
By love
and tenderness
From its
hungry lover
Open up
your arms to the festive wind
Embrace its
happiness in you
Rush
yourself into its hug,
Its
invisible arms endowing you with love
Enclosing you
in it
Be happy as
the waves make sweet, sweet love
To the soft,
glittering grains
Be happy
when the wind whistles
Celebrating
their mating
Be happy
when the sun says goodbye
To its
victorious children
Be happy as
you stand witnessing
A world of wondrous creatures
I don't feel this poem. It has a lot of adjectives but I don't feel it somehow. First there was a soothing emotion that was contrasted - and put down - by the following lines. Also, there is the calm sand and the "rigorous foam". Rigorous indicates that the sea isn't calm, which is the opposite of the rest of the poem.
ReplyDeleteIn the second stanza, there are several points to be considered:
Lay down on the wet sand
While listening to your favorite music
Getting soaked in the joyful tears
Of the shore getting bestowed
By love and tenderness
From its hungry lover
First it's "Lie down", second, there is too much use of the passive voice, it feels boring
the last three lines are both vague and weird. The arrangement and cutting are off.
Try to use less passive and cut the lines differently to give more power and feeling.
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DeleteLw te3rafy enny kont baktebha w ana mashya 3ala el treadmill fy elgym makonteish olty keda...This is the first poem that u dont like for me in 6 years. I promise u I will be revising it
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