My Miraculous Dream

Since I decided to have this blog to talk about me and to publish my "written on the spot poems" as a result of my craziness or compassion towards something; I decided to publish this poem right now.

It's about Breaking Dawn - Part I - it's supposed to be Bella speaking to herself and to Edward, justifying her herself and her choice of keeping the "thing" as everyone but her call it, the "baby, just a baby" as Rosalie calls it and "him" as Bella refers to it.

That's how I captured the thing in mind. That's how I saw it and that's how I felt in every word she said and every decision she took and everything she did. It might not sound as great as many would think it would. It might even sound sooooooooooooo cliché to some but I don't care. That's what I know Meyer had in mind when she wrote the book. That's what I think she should have had in her mind. I'm a little outta control here and may sound funny, but whatever, that's the me that I like in my many other mes' :P

Holding to it as much as I can
It's a part of my soul, growing in me
Feeding on me, and I can't complain
'cause from the first moment I felt its existence
I chose its welfare over mine.
No matter what the consequences might be
No matter who lives, it or me
As crazy as for some it might seem
It's miraculous, my dream to keep
Red haired, honey eyes, with skin as white as snow
Blooming as a young rose bush
Growing to give hope on the entrance of a gloomy frontier
As strong as a turtle shell, and as hard as well
Renesmee...her name...my new life...my miraculous dream
For her I'd give my life, on a plate made of gold
For her I'd sell my soul, it's a truth to be told
I'll fight for her no matter who the enemy is
I'll give her what she needs;
Flesh, blood, whatever she needs
And if I get to choose between her or me
I'll blindly choose her, my dream
I'm sorry but you have to accept what it is
That's my choice and I won't withdraw
When I'm that close of being a mother
In the most unexpected way.
I refuse to give up when I have this gift
Which inside of me I bear
Get angry as you want
Resent me, the way I look, the way I'm crushed
Feel repugnant of her
But just remember when you see her
She is a part of me; she's always been and always will be

Gossips, Daggers...Would It Matter?!

You can't be a normal girl unless you've gossiped once or twice in your life. let's just face the cruel truth, a girl can't live without talking, and talking brings gossip and gossip actually make words spread like fire, as devouring, as burning, as fast as fire can be. I myself can't imagine a world without gossip, it'd be a better world for sure, it'd be a utopia. Just the thought of living in a place where no one talks about anyone and all live happily together ignoring the faults and mistakes of each other make one's heart flicker with happiness like a butterfly. It'd be the greatest thing ever. Just imagine that you're putting your head down the pillow and getting ready to have a good night's sleep and you just jump outta bed 'cause you're scared of what people would be saying about what you did with whoever and they didn't like it and then they start, just in the most spontaneous way, to count your mistakes, name your faults and make it hell for you. Now, capture this image, imagine yourself getting ready for a good night's sleep and you put your head down the pillow and you actually go in the deepest, some relaxing and calming sleep you've ever had just because you're sure there won't be thousand daggers stabbing you in your back and killing you slowly. You won't be afraid that your heart would be exposed to their bullet fast and cruel words.

Of course it's not usually as bad as this; as a matter of fact it is much worse. It's not exclusive to girls to gossip. The worst gossip ever is that of boys. It happens all the time and it's bad enough to know that boys are capable of spreading words and gossip faster than a society of women can. These are stated facts, nothing that I have invented. It's actually worse when a boy talks about a girl in her back. Boys are by nature harsher than girls and can be some pain in the ass more than a girl can be. He might not consider the feelings of a girl, not that another girl would do it but nevertheless she at least might understand, even in the slightest and shallowest manner, why another girl for example did what she did or said what she said. It's a whole world built up on theories and expectations and you have no vindication to what you say unless with experience and your experience is not a 100% trustful proof as not everyone is you and the third party is not like any other.

It happens all the time, this rotten, decaying society that by its turn result in a whole generation of a more rotten and decaying morals. Not stating that I'm not one of those, on the contrary, I'm a big gossiper myself. I kick ass in it. This is nothing that I'm proud of but it comes with anger and pain and grudge that I carry in my heart towards someone and then I explode and count the mistakes and faults of this someone. Just letting it all out makes us feel much relieved than before and we forget those whom we were just talking about and how it would hurt them to listen to what we were just saying and how it would feel like shooting them with daggers right in their hearts.

All I want to say is no one is an angel and no one can actually stop talking about anyone, or anything. As long as we have air in our lungs we'll keep on talking and talking and talking. We'd never stop or it'd be living a dead life, or turning into a ghost. Actually saying this reminds me with the ghost supper in The Ghost Sonata by August Steindberg. People lived together under the same roof and never talked in 20 years, this is death. It's just in the human nature, we can't stop talking and others can't stop listening. All I want to say is no matter if you talk or not, as long as we live we'll talk and gossip; but when you talk remember this, put yourself in the shoes of that third party you're talking about and see if you'll like it. If you do then go on with it, if you don't then knock it off and drop the act and say "I'LL NOT BE TALKING ABOUT HIM/HER IN THE BACK, IF I GOT SOMETHING I'LL SHOOT IT AT THEIR FACE" and yes it would make trouble but it'd be better to give them a piece of your mind than just cutting in their flesh when you talk in their back.

Jealousy...Blessing?!...NAH...

The truth to be told, I'm one of the most jealous people I've known in my life. Not that I'm an expert in knowing my own character, 'cause I'm so ignorant about myself, but I can only say this...I'm fanatically, annoyingly jealous.

It's not something that makes me proud or makes anyone proud. I mean…it shouldn't it's not something that anyone would walk around people and brag about it. For me it's one of the weakest points. It makes me vulnerable and over sensitive, in case I need it 'cause I'm already sensitive enough that I'd explode at any time just like a time bomb, it would swipe me off my feet and make a  sworn enemy out of a friend just in a blink of an eye.

I know that no one would actually care enough to read this but I'm writing it because I need to recognize it myself. I need to slap me at the face, shake myself and scream at myself and say wake up and ditch that illogical hatred that is devouring you. Ignoring the fact that I've already done it before and it was of NO use at all, but it managed actually to make me feel worse about myself. It's so bad when you just hate someone just because you are jealous of him or her…it happened with me a couple of times and repent and regret doesn't work as self-conciliation.

Jealousy can be good at times, for example, it's good to be jealous on your family members. It's also good to be jealous on your mate or couple, not in a suffocating way though. It's also good to be jealous; the kind of jealousy that will push you forward and make you achieve higher goals than your imagination would have solely reached. But is it a blessing…NO, IT'S DEFINITELY A CURSE. Out of jealousy you can be driven to the extent of manipulating your friends, lie to them, use them and eventually you'll have a reputation. It can be suffocating, burning, causing your head to go far beyond the normal thought on how to manipulate that someone of whom you're jealous, like I do sometimes. Still, it's not something that I brag about but yet I need to say it, to acknowledge it, and finally get rid of it. It can stimulate that devil that we all struggle to suppress just in a matter of seconds.

The reason I'm writing this is because I know that I'm not alone in this, or at least not to feel alone in this. These things I wrote would change my picture in front of many of my friends. It may also drive some to re-consider being my friend. But to those who really know who I am they'll also know how to help me get through this. It's good to know your faults and your weak points in order to correct them in the future, that's why I chose that name for my blog; Between The Past and The Future. Everyone should learn from his mistakes, I should learn from my mistakes. Learning is not easy and you know the saying: half way to cure is diagnosis.