So as the owl soars, seizing the blue moon
Whose white hail is covered by death in this gloom
The guardians of doom are in their black cloaks
Covering them from their heads to their toes
Their black is shadowed by the white of a new world
As that candle in her hand goes out of light
It was just burning, you can still see its smoke
Flying away with the wind, that only kills its flame
There is no certainty, the colours are weaved
Into each other, you can't tell despair from hope
But there is serenity in her face; a kind of surrender
As that expression on the face of “Lady of Shallot”
And as death creeps our existence,
Comforting her, it embraces her ambivalence
Two skulls in black with two hands that I can see
One tapping on her shoulder and one reaching for her withered life
They take her by the hand through the path of peace
After a life only twisted, crucified by the lack of tranquillity
And one eye that sees through this rock with holes
A new path, a new turn, another life it beholds
The darkness of the guardians devour her blues slowly
As all the colours melt in each other, marking a sea of misery
Ending with the hail of a blue moon prevailing in this scenery
With a white owl seizing the mystery the painting tells
It is interesting. I wasn't expecting a description of the piece when I gave you a picture prompt.
ReplyDeleteI love the alliteration in the first line and also how you began with "so" - Starting in the middle of the action. Good choice.
Remove 'which' from the second line.
"The guardians of the doom are in their black coats" - remove "the" before "doom" and I'd rather you use "cloaks" instead of "coats.
I felt that these two lines can be removed, thus ending the stanza on a paradox "But has no effect on the clouds in that sky/Which black mingles with the white in this scene".
"you can’t tell which is death and which is hope" - better "you can't tell death from hope" (shorter & avoids repetition & is also lighter)
Why don't you say here "But there is serenity in her face, as well as giving up" --> "But there is serenity and surrender in her face" ('as well as' isn't poetic & now there is a bit of alliteration too)
I love the reference to the Lady of Shallot, since it's an all-time favourite poem & lately I've been listening to it sung as well.
"And as death seems to creep "on" our existence" (better also "creeps" not "seems to creep". It has a stronger and darker effect.
"Here death is the comfort that embraces her ambivalence" - the second line has too much prose. "Comforting, it embraces her/her soul, her being"
Try not to repeat "death" too much.
What do you mean by "blues" here "The black of the guardians devours her blues slowly"? Also, how about "The guardians' blackness/darkness..."
Are they guardians? Or rather soul-snatchers for instance?
I like how you open and end the poem with the owl. Interesting attempt at the picture. Keep on writing.
And prompt your friend to write too. I'll see what I can do too.
Thanks for doing this :)
Thanks ya Nada for the editing :)
DeleteAs for the guardians, they are soul snatchers for us, but for her they are comfort. That's how I saw them at least. I will try not to use death too much.
As for this line: "Here death is the comfort that embraces her ambivalence" - the second line has too much prose. "Comforting, it embraces her/her soul, her being" I didn't quite get what you mean.
as for which in the second line, it refers to the moon; "the blue moon which white hail..." so if i deleted "which" it wont give the same effect!
Deletebtw, by "her blues" I mean her miseries and despairs
DeleteIt's great like that. Using "with" instead of "which" really made things clearer and painted a better picture.
ReplyDeleteNever mind what you didn't get, you've edited and made it clearer and better than before.
Well done. Keep it up.
^_^ :$
ReplyDelete