Half shadowed
by the light
And half soaking
in the dark
She’s just a
flower standing
On the
edge between black and white
Half combating against the barrier;
That wall
standing, between her and the sun
While the
other half is disappearing
In the
darkness devouring her side
She’s
struggling, stuck
In that
physical restriction that man creates
To chain
her indoors
And enjoy
her fragrance
She is hiding, snooping
She doesn't know what is there
The light is bright, blinding
But the dark is all she's ever tasted
Leaning towards change;
Towards her unknown
She's scared
But still she's trying to win this game
I am sure if she can crawl
She would
seek that light that has befallen
The interior
of that place except on her
I’m sure
she won’t hesitate, she’ll fight her fears
She’s just a
flower standing
Between black
and white
She is
drowning in this darkness
Yet fighting
for the light
I like this piece and you know it. I like how you play with black and white, darkness and light here.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very simple image, yet you were able to conceive a poem about struggle, fear and the unknown.
Good job.
I have some comments/suggestions (as always - it's a matter of taste).
"But the dark is all what she has tasted" - I thought of saying "all that she has known" but I cannot help but love the use of 'taste' here. I would remove 'what' though (or if you'd like, you can replace it with 'that' - both are ok).
"She is leaning towards the change;/Towards her unknown/That makes her scared/But still she is trying to win this game"
I made some amendments here, mostly deleting some of the pronouns which we already know and which I felt to be redundant.
"Leaning towards change,
towards the unknown,
she's scared,
but still trying to win this game".
I really liked this piece and I see you are getting quite good with the picture prompts; as seen here and in the Arabic poem.
Keep it up.
*thumbs up*
thank you, thank you :')
ReplyDeleteI was going to write "known" instead of "taste" but I don't know, "taste" felt nice and more powerful for me, I'm glad you liked it :)
I've applied some of the changes that you've suggested but the others I couldn't feel that they are fitting in. I hope that it is nice this way...what do you think?!
ReplyDeleteI just have one more question; something I just noticed, why did you use the pronoun "it" in "It’s just a flower standing" instead of "she" as you've done throughout the poem.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think it's great :) (it was great before; I'm a perfectionist ;) )
Keep it up
And you're perfection overwhelmes my senses...I love it and I believe in it and that's why with every piece I can't wait to see your comments. :)
DeleteAnd frankly idk why I used it instead of she... I'll change it to she now
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