A friend of mine once told me that my “One True
Love” would be the one whom I least expected him to be. He’d be someone just as
tender, as innocent, and as sweet as I am from within. He would be all that
I’ve hoped for him to be. She also said that when he comes, he will make
himself recognized and win my love without me noticing him; “You’d be loving
him like you’ve loved no other man and when you’re to be asked about how you
both came across each other, you’d go speechless and he’d be the one telling
the story”. This sounded very appealing. I loved the thought of the “unnoticed
man” and I fantasized about it because I wanted it, I lurked for it all my
life. This, nevertheless, didn’t stop me from thinking that it’s very unlikely
to happen. Accordingly, I just couldn’t stop myself from having these “undefined
emotions” for the one I think I’m in love with. After pursuing my infatuations,
I came to believe in the words of my “twisted sister”. I came to believe that “The
best is yet to come”.
“Today is going to be a blessed day” that was
the first thing that I said when I woke up in the morning at 5:30 AM for Al-Fajr
prayer. I just felt purity and happiness, a rare happiness that I don’t get to
feel much because of my “volcanic” nature. The past two days were ones of the
best in my life, I was just happy; enjoying the side of me that I don’t get to
spend much time with. I was discovering, or maybe better say manifesting, the
side that I keep hidden from everyone because it’s inappropriate. The side that
each of us keep from others and only speak of to our closest friends in the
late hours of the night so as to let it go unnoticed. For the first time ever, I
was the side that I was ignoring and only acknowledged in his company.
I have been spending time with him for three
days now; three long, tiring days but for me they were full of laughter, joy
and ecstasy. He noticed, I noticed,
everyone noticed and I honestly couldn’t care less. I was over the moon and
that was the only thing I cared about. I was only looking in his eyes and
smiling from within when he smiled. I loved the feeling, a new one that pushed
me to the extremes. It was the feeling that I have always watched on movies but
never experienced. I didn’t know if it was love or sexuality, I only loved it
and I decided that I will only be enjoying it and thinking less about
everything else. I was living for the moment and for the joy that I was glad
about.
I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I
shouldn’t be feeling this nor should I be following my emotions in this way. I
did what I felt like doing and I forgot about all the constrains. That’s why I’m
loving him I guess. I love him because with him there is no right or wrong,
there is only what I feel like doing. There is no thinking, there is only
wilderness. It’s like seizing the moment and following our untamed fantasies no
matter what others might say. There was no fear and no worry, just cherishing and
enjoying our time to the second.
This was the first time in which we go out
together, alone and free. I was finally unchained from the fear of the thoughts
that might hit the others if they noticed how I looked at him, how I reacted to
his actions and how I just loved spending time with him. It was compelling to
stay close to him, make snarky comments about other people, and observe them
closely while they couldn’t notice us because they were indulged in the things
they were doing. It was like standing behind a curtain and taking a look at the
crowd who didn’t know that we existed. I just wanted to hold his hand, pull him
close, kiss him on the cheek, walk with him down the street while looking in
his eyes, and smile. That was my ultimate ecstasy, my heaven. Of course I
couldn’t do all of that; like always I was irritated and I held most of it
back. I only held his hand for like a minute or two and then I was too
uncomfortable for it was a new thing to me and I let go of him quickly. It was
an emotion inside of me, an emotion that I wanted to pursue, and when done I
was just so angry at myself but stronger than that, I was happy that I was
spending time with him. It’s only then that I started to believe that it is
"An un-heavenly union". I’m starting to believe my Twisted Twin.
A couple of days before it all took place, I prayed
for God’s assistance. I asked for his guidance about what I felt. Although I
knew that what I was doing was wrong, it didn’t keep me from doing it. I wanted
to experience this and make use of it to its maximum. The signs came in with
disapproval and they just kept accumulating until they were too many for me to
ignore even that I wanted to. The first sign was the distortion of the plans
that I’ve put the week before for some circumstances that came up and I wasn’t considering
that they might be an option that would happen. I was unable to do or say most
of the things that I was intending to. I opened my mouth a couple of times to
speak but the words just wouldn’t come out, they got stuck on their way out. And
a couple of things more.
These three days made me see my untamed
wilderness coming to the ground of reality, after being submerged in the bottom
of the abyss for so long. I saw an impure, corrupted vision of myself coming to
life. I saw how much I can be aware of something and still do the exact thing
that conflicts with it. I learned that everything is possible and everything
can be pursued in two ways, the wrong one and the right one. I just
acknowledged this as I sat with glittering eyes to digest it all in Al-Sayeda
Zeinab’s mosque after I have prayed while smiling, thanking God for the truth,
and singing:
"It’s been a long day,
and all that I need now is to rest in the tranquility of that place.
It’s been a long day,
but I’m grateful for every moment that I’ve spent away."
and all that I need now is to rest in the tranquility of that place.
It’s been a long day,
but I’m grateful for every moment that I’ve spent away."
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