I think
I love you
I'm lured
By that smile,
By those sweetest
Unsaid words,
Dripping
From your magical eyes,
Dancing
From your magical eyes,
Dancing
In the scepticism
Of the delusion
Of my heart,
Dreaming
In my unconscious mind.
It is a dream
Enclosed in a hex
Attached to a fang
Made of silver
Hidden in a nest
Of poisonous
Beatles
And I am not ready
To venture in
And grab
What my heart
Desires to be his
While my mind
Knows
It can’t possess.
It is a dream
Of the far beyond reach
And the hope
Of reaching what is beyond
Is a luring light
In a lion’s den
Where the lion is
Awake, waiting
For me
To sneak in.
Different. I like that. I like when poets do not stick to their usual kinds/types of writing.
ReplyDeleteI love the short lines, though there are some that I would cut differently. For instance, I don't like ending a line with words like "your", "and", "but" - unless the following word is going to be really big.
It is often said: Avoid using the passive in English. Here I will have to agree. The opening lines would be stronger if you said something like "Your smile/Lures me/Draws me in" (I added that to increase the strength of the magnet-like pull.
I like how the words are sweet, though they are unsaid. I'd like to thank you for reminding me of using the "un" with not-so-standard-words. A tip we took in a Short Story Writing Workshop. I do believe that the superlative form isn't necessary here. You're not comparing it to something else. So, I'd say drop the 'est'.
I would also put the word 'dancing' in a line of its own. I feel it's just hanging there and sort of invading on the preceding image.
I LOVE the paradoxes in the second stanza. It is a fang (harsh and painful) but it's made of silver (pretty and attractive), a nest (gives warmth and comfort) but it's full of 'poisonous beetles' (hideous and deadly). Excellent bit there.
I would recommend that you use 'desires' instead of this line 'Hopes to be his'.
I also love the final stanza - yes it's obvious I love the entire piece!
I love the alliteration here "Is a luring light/In a lion’s den" and the finale is quite suspenseful and intriguing.
Overall: WELL DONE. HATS OFF. I enjoyed it immensely (I'm babbling but I did like it - Can't help it :$ )
Keep it up dearest :)
One more thing, I'm not sure how you can hold something in an emblem. It's an interesting thought but probably because I couldn't picture, I couldn't get it through entirely.
ReplyDeletemaybe I'd be saying "enclosed in an emblem" I think it'll convey the meaning :)
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ReplyDeleteNada, you make my day by your comments, even when they are lengthy :P :)
ReplyDeleteas a reply to your remarks; I used the superlative because I wanted to say that these words are of no match to any other words that I've ever heard in my life. That is why I used the superlative in "sweetest". Concerning using the passive verbs, I used them to keep the flow of the poem and to say that I had no hand in it, it is against my will.
As for the Paradoxes, I'm so glad you liked the images. And about the emblem, I mean with it "7egab", like ta3weitha or such thing. I went back to the dictionary checking and I found talisman and amulet serve the meaning better. I want to convey the effect of magic and being subjected to a spell. The thing is both words, amulet and talisman, mean being protected from evil but I want to say that it is a 7egab to do me evil. The word actually escaped my mind :/
I think you mean "3amal" zay "7ad 3amelek 3amal". I think you can use "hex" or "dark spell".
Deletemaybe "hex" I like the word :)
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